Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Day 9: Round 5 Chemo...Who Am I?
Had a heavy day today. I saw my shrink and came upon a picture (pre-chemo/cancer diagnosis) that the kids took on my phone. When I looked at the picture of me, before my world was turned upside down, I immediately took a current picture of me with my phone and compared them. All I could think of was, "I wanna be that girl again!" My face is changed with the weight gain and the roundness you get when you are on steroids, but more than that, the light is gone from my eyes and my smile. In addition, my therapist asked me how Erich and I were doing...my answer: we occupy the same space but we haven't connected in weeks, maybe months. We don't have sex because I'm out of commision physically, mentally and emotionally. And our lives revolve around my chemo sessions, that's all we talk about. Fuck! I'm so done with cancer. I don't wanna be the chick undergoing chemo anymore. Who else am I? I don't know anymore. My final chemo round can't come soon enough, although having just completed the hell of round 5 I'm not exactly counting down the days til round 6. Everytime I think about the final round being less than 2 weeks away it makes me cry. Of course my eyes tear pretty constantly anyway from the Taxotere and lack of eyelashes. But it feels good to know that the end is in sight. And thank God because I only have a few eyelashes and eyebrow hairs left. I'm not feeling the chola drawn in eyebrows much. It feels strange to be looking so forward to a major surgery and all that it entails, but I am. It is the silver lining in my melodrama. I have dreamed of smaller tits since I was 12 years old and I developed over night from flat to a "D" cup. I look forward to playing (and losing weight) in December.