shaved head

shaved head
Channelling GI Jane

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day 11 Radiation, April 21, 2011

Every day is a little bit different. Some days I barely make it home and nap for to hours and some days I drag my ass through (with the help of coke & black tea) until bed time. I gained a pound last weak. Really? Although Dr. G cleared me for excercise, Dr. W (my radiology oncologist) does not want me to lose weight during radiation because all my measurements would change. I must be a vain MF because I'm tired of being ugly and fat. Thank God my hair is growing in quickly now (although not fast enough for my liking), my eyebrows are as good as they're gonna get I'm afraid, but still NO lash length. Latisse is failing me and I'm gonna let the world know! They are thicker and fuller, but still half the length they used to be. Thanks to Obagi eye gel my eyes look better. No lines! And my dark circles have cleared up. Now, however, I have noticed dark spots forming under my eyes. I don't get it. I wear hats and sunglasses any time in the sun.

My breast is really completely healed now. No hole, just scars that may not go away until after radiation. I'm no longer feeling nauseated after treatments. My "chemo brain" is worse with  the zapping. Some days I can't beieve people allo me to drive and operate heavy machinery. My sleep pattern has changed in the last few days. I'm not falling asleep until midnight (maybe thats due to my new vampire book) and I'm waking at 4:30-5:30am (hence this post). Some good news: when I last saw the nurse she mentioned I was on a 28 day regimen instead of a 33 day one as I thought (or dreamt, who knows?). I will clear that up with Dr. W this Tuesday, but that may mean I'm done a whole week sooner. Trying to keep my sunny side up. I have come such a long way and the end is so near. Some days I'm really angry that I wasted an entire year of my life, but then I have to remind myself that by losing this last year of "normal" life- I may have gained a lifetime.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Monday, April 11, 2011: Day 3 Radiation

I'm happy to say that the nausea/headache wierd feeling that I got after radiation has pretty much dissapeared. All I need afterwards are some crackers and a bubbly drink. My breast feels harder than before. I cannot tell if it has stopped healing. I see Dr. G tomorrow, she will be able to tell if there is a difference or not in my healing. My hair continues to grow. It's time again to color my roots. My eyebrows are back in, but my eyelashes haven't grown any with the help of Latisse. It has been 4 weeks since I started using the hair potion, I better start to see results. My ID has quieted down a bit, so I'm not feeling so narcisistic. Maybe that's because my girlfriend and soul-sister lost her mother two days ago.

This woman was a force to be reckoned with in her day. I will never forget waking to the sound of chopping, bright and early on a Saturday morning, only to find her with an axe, chopping down a tree on our property. And that was when she was in her 60's. She was kind, generous, and an amazing businesswoman. She gave me a home, where I felt safe and secure, during my most turbulent years. She was there for me when my own mother couldn't be. So many times during an "anxiety dream" I have found solace in the soft, warm arms of this woman. My heart aches for her children and her husband. She was an angel here on earth and I can only imagine what wonderous acts of love and kindness she is committing in the great beyond. I am blessed to have known her.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Thursday, April 7, 2011

1st day of radiation! Yeah! Finally. I checked in at 1pm sharp, led myself to the changing room, put my clothes and bag in a locker, put on a gown, and sat and waited to be called for 10 minutes. I was led into the treatment room and positioned for treatment. That took about 10 minutes. I was then radiated for 5 minutes. It made me feel hot and gave me cotton mouth. I can't seem to get enough water in me. My lips feel sunburned and my throat hurts slightly. I am not to take vitamins in pill form. I am not to use deodorant at all under the left arm. I am supposed to use aloe vera and Aquafor ointment liberally on my left breast, but not 4 hours before treatment. I don't feel sleepy, but my head feels heavy in front and behind my eyes. And, I feel a little more cloudy-headed than usual. Great! 1 day down, 32 more to go.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Wed., April 6, 2011

Tues., April 5, 2011
Visited St. Joseph's today to meet Dr. Williams. She wants to start radiation this week. Friday is 3 months from my surgery date. They measured me again and took x-rays. And appearantly, for reasons I'm still not clear on, they had to give me 3 more tattoo dots. I now have 7 tattooed dots circling my left breast.

I met with Dr. G this morning. My breast has done a miraculous job of healing this past week thabks to bed rest. She gave me another deep stitch to help the wound close and gave me the thumbs up for radiation tomorrow. I get to move on with my life! This holding pattern has been tough on me. 33 days from tomorrow I will be smiling.:)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I have been on bedrest the past 5 days, AGAIN! I'm still not healed enough to start radiation and my indo is running out. I have an appointment at St. Joe's on Tuesday, but no one thinks I will start radiation. Maybe next week. It's down to a deep hole the size of a dime. It's really amazing how far I have come. The buying and selling of houses has made us crazy, but all is good. No excersise and I have put on 4 pounds since January. Lord, I have never wanted to move my ass so badly in my life. I no have the boobs of a 19 year old, but the ass of an 80 year old!

I bleached my hair platimun a couple of weeks ago. Aubrey did a beautiful job and it looked hot. I decided to lighten my roots at home and turned my hair silver. Thank God, Aubrey came to the rescue via text. I am no some sort of golden blonde. I like it. I think I was born to be blond and smaller chested.

I made an appointment to see my shrink, it's been 3 months. This disease is beginning to play games with my psyche. All I want to do anymore is follow my ID. I want what I want when I want it! I have tickets to 3 concerts this summer and I bought a pair of white 20 eye Dr. Marten boots. Why? I wanted them. Erich confronted me with the boots and my response was, "You could have lost me. It's a small price to pay." I really feel that way. I want to buy nice things and indulge my senses by hearing great music live, and eating gorgeous food. I really don't want to work, or buy groceries, or cook dinner, or clean house. Life is short, why spend it doing mundane chores? I want to travel and I want botox. The truth is; I may be cancer free right now, but what does the future hold? How long do I have? I'll be discussing these issues in therapy next week.