Monday, April 11, 2011: Day 3 Radiation

I'm happy to say that the nausea/headache wierd feeling that I got after radiation has pretty much dissapeared. All I need afterwards are some crackers and a bubbly drink. My breast feels harder than before. I cannot tell if it has stopped healing. I see Dr. G tomorrow, she will be able to tell if there is a difference or not in my healing. My hair continues to grow. It's time again to color my roots. My eyebrows are back in, but my eyelashes haven't grown any with the help of Latisse. It has been 4 weeks since I started using the hair potion, I better start to see results. My ID has quieted down a bit, so I'm not feeling so narcisistic. Maybe that's because my girlfriend and soul-sister lost her mother two days ago.

This woman was a force to be reckoned with in her day. I will never forget waking to the sound of chopping, bright and early on a Saturday morning, only to find her with an axe, chopping down a tree on our property. And that was when she was in her 60's. She was kind, generous, and an amazing businesswoman. She gave me a home, where I felt safe and secure, during my most turbulent years. She was there for me when my own mother couldn't be. So many times during an "anxiety dream" I have found solace in the soft, warm arms of this woman. My heart aches for her children and her husband. She was an angel here on earth and I can only imagine what wonderous acts of love and kindness she is committing in the great beyond. I am blessed to have known her.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

1st day of radiation! Yeah! Finally. I checked in at 1pm sharp, led myself to the changing room, put my clothes and bag in a locker, put on a gown, and sat and waited to be called for 10 minutes. I was led into the treatment room and positioned for treatment. That took about 10 minutes. I was then radiated for 5 minutes. It made me feel hot and gave me cotton mouth. I can't seem to get enough water in me. My lips feel sunburned and my throat hurts slightly. I am not to take vitamins in pill form. I am not to use deodorant at all under the left arm. I am supposed to use aloe vera and Aquafor ointment liberally on my left breast, but not 4 hours before treatment. I don't feel sleepy, but my head feels heavy in front and behind my eyes. And, I feel a little more cloudy-headed than usual. Great! 1 day down, 32 more to go.

Wed., April 6, 2011

Tues., April 5, 2011
Visited St. Joseph's today to meet Dr. Williams. She wants to start radiation this week. Friday is 3 months from my surgery date. They measured me again and took x-rays. And appearantly, for reasons I'm still not clear on, they had to give me 3 more tattoo dots. I now have 7 tattooed dots circling my left breast.

Wed.
I met with Dr. G this morning. My breast has done a miraculous job of healing this past week thabks to bed rest. She gave me another deep stitch to help the wound close and gave me the thumbs up for radiation tomorrow. I get to move on with my life! This holding pattern has been tough on me. 33 days from tomorrow I will be smiling.:)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I have been on bedrest the past 5 days, AGAIN! I'm still not healed enough to start radiation and my indo is running out. I have an appointment at St. Joe's on Tuesday, but no one thinks I will start radiation. Maybe next week. It's down to a deep hole the size of a dime. It's really amazing how far I have come. The buying and selling of houses has made us crazy, but all is good. No excersise and I have put on 4 pounds since January. Lord, I have never wanted to move my ass so badly in my life. I no have the boobs of a 19 year old, but the ass of an 80 year old!

I bleached my hair platimun a couple of weeks ago. Aubrey did a beautiful job and it looked hot. I decided to lighten my roots at home and turned my hair silver. Thank God, Aubrey came to the rescue via text. I am no some sort of golden blonde. I like it. I think I was born to be blond and smaller chested.

I made an appointment to see my shrink, it's been 3 months. This disease is beginning to play games with my psyche. All I want to do anymore is follow my ID. I want what I want when I want it! I have tickets to 3 concerts this summer and I bought a pair of white 20 eye Dr. Marten boots. Why? I wanted them. Erich confronted me with the boots and my response was, "You could have lost me. It's a small price to pay." I really feel that way. I want to buy nice things and indulge my senses by hearing great music live, and eating gorgeous food. I really don't want to work, or buy groceries, or cook dinner, or clean house. Life is short, why spend it doing mundane chores? I want to travel and I want botox. The truth is; I may be cancer free right now, but what does the future hold? How long do I have? I'll be discussing these issues in therapy next week.

Wed., March 23, 2011

It's been 6 weeks since I last saw my oncologist. I felt guilty that I hadn't phoned him to tell him I had not started radiation yet. He expected to see me fully radiated and finished. My breast cancer blood test from 6 weeks ago was negative. He feels that my alcohol consumption (2 drinks per week or 4 a month, depending on who you ask) is fine. My breast is so close to being healed. The wound is the size of a dime. I see my plastic tomorrow and I see my radiologist on Tuesday. Let's get this party rolling!

Tuesday, Mar. 8, 2011

Today I journied to St. Joseph's Hospital to be measured, filmed, scanned and tattooed for radiation. It took about an hour and a half. I had to prop my left arm up and back during that time and it was really painful. I was wearing the equivalent to a hospital robe to enter the scanning room, but once in the top came off. The poor young guy, who happend to be interning today, was made to look at my mangled upper body for that entire time. The female staff members thought I was being modest. I was just trying to spare this kid!:) I have a start date for radiation if all goes well: March 22nd.

Sat., Feb. 26, 2011

Last Thursday, in Dr. G's waiting room, I met a woman named Jeanne. We hit it off immediately. She just had a bilateral mastectomy with implant reconstruction due to lobular sarcoma stage 3 and will follow up with chemo and then radiation. Her tumor was 6.5 cm at surgery. We are almost twins. We exchanged phone numbers and she asked if she could call me with questions about chemo. I think I just became a mentor. I'm happy to lend a hand. I put a smile on my face, ignored the pain in my heart, and told her chemo had several hard days every three weeks, but overall it wasn't so unpleasant. She too has a sunny disposition regarding her diagnosis, which is even more amazing given that her mother was just diagnosed ith stage 4 breast cancer.

My reason for not wanting a breast cancer mentor was that I didn't want this disease to define who I am. I wanted to be able to lean on my own girlfriends for support, not strangers. Yet this world of CANCER seems inescapable. It's around me everywhere. I feel moved to attend breast cancer walks, and I'm happy to lend my insight to a chemo newbie. I'm reminded twice a day when I take my anti-estrogen medication or when I look down at my still healing breasts that although I'm cancer free, I'm still dealing with cancer. And after all of this- The chances of not developing breast cancer in the next five years is 67%. I guess I could think of that number as close to 70%, which is really pretty good, but I can't help but feeling it's just too close to 50%, which really doesn't feel so good to me.