Thursday, May 19, 2011

Dr. G's expression when I took my robe off for her today was enough to make my gut hurt and bring tears to Erich's eyes. I look as if I've been to war. I'm left wondering if I will ever be pretty again. Of course I will heal, it will just "take time." I'm 43. I don't have many more years in which I can be pretty. I don't have time. As I was buying compression t-shirts to hold my dressings in place, I purchased a pair of fake areolas with nipples, since I won't have my own for 6 months or so. Why the hell not buy fake nipples to join my hair extentions and fake eyelashes? We are the sum of all our parts and I'm so tired of missing mine. God help me if this cancer ever returns because I really cannot imagine going through this again. This warrior is ready to hang up her bow and arrow.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

So, the good news is I won't get any worse. I have one more session of radiation on Monday and then I am home free. I'm told my skin will continue to cook after my last appointment, but I should see a big turn-around in about two weeks. Good. My skin has gone from gooey to crispy. I am still in pain, but my pain killers are helping out. I spend my days on the couch while Erich plays single parent, a role he can only play well for a week at a time before he starts short circuiting. My boys are running wild and we are still living out of boxes in the new house. Life is crazy. I keep reminding myself that it could be worse. I still find I'm filled with selfish desires, but my shrink (bless him) says that's OK as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. Still no long eyelashes with Latisse. Maybe they're lost forever. My eyebrows are good and my hair is slowly coming back. Thank God for beauty technology because when I have had enough of waiting I can have extentions put on my head and my eyelashes damnit.:)

Friday, May 13, 2011

Long term pain is starting to fuck with my head. Maybe it's the tylenol w/codeine I'm taking. Or maybe it's the date, but I am having a bad day. I don't know who I am anymore, or what makes me happy. I'm hungry, but food isn't comforting like it used to be. I took off my t-shirt to shower just now and peeled off several layers of my breast tissue and began squirting blood. I've already lost the top layers of skin from my armpit to my side. God, I can't imagine how burn victims endure, but I think it must include retreating into a heavy fantasy life in your head. I can't tell you how many ways I've had Alexander Skarsgard in my mind! And I've read trough 4 books in the last 2 weeks. I have only 2 more sessions; today and Monday. I can get through 2 more appointments.

Sunday, May 7, 2011

Happy Mother's Day to me. Radiation was cruising smoothly until this last week. I began with a slight rash that itched on Monday to black skin that hurt on Friday. This morning I woke up to find that my tight, burned skin had split in two places under my arm. I am covered in second degree burns from the left side of my neck & shoulder, my entire left breast, my cleavage, and under my left arm and side. It hurts to do anything. I have 6 more days and I'm told I will continue to cook for 2 weeks after my last radiation. For the love of God! I'm basically bedridden again. Erich takes care of everything involving the house and the kids. I'm so depressed and overwhelmed by the pain that I spontaneously burst into tears.

In the midst of my radiation break-down I had an amazing day yesterday (E's wedding day). She was radiantly beautiful and he was literally speechless at times. They were so happy and in love it did my soul good to be around them. I'm so happy for my girl-she deserves such a kind and generous man to share her life with.